Monday, September 27, 2010

Still a Virgin? Don't Worry, THERE'S TREATMENT!

"Still A Virgin?" signs have been posted in tons of places it seems, around cities country wide. What can I even say here? They're right up there with the "Life is short, Get a divorce" billboards with big breasts and ripped abdomens on them. Classy. Seriously. Yes, this is America, and you can post anything and say anything and yada yada yada, and I'll always love America for that. This sort of thing you just have to put up with. Like if I put up a sign that said "Feminists are tainting your thoughts with poison." What a minute, that one's true. Nevermind.

The "sexual revolution" was anything but, kids. It was just a pack of young kids (like we all were), telling their parents, "You have it wrong, WE know what's best!" and failing as all kids too. So they grew up, became conservative and learned being married is better than hopping from bed to bed, from relationship to relationship and never settling down. Duh. Find me one old person who think that system is bunk. Its not "the government's" plan or a male or female supremacist plot. Its just what happens. Ask a grandparent for chrissake. Selfish people die alone and those willing to make a deal get married and get to have a family and children and all the fun (and grief) that goes with it. Better than realizing your life was ultimately futile, if you ask me.

But the signs are beyond stupid. They are only a sign of what has become of us. So virginity is bad? Really. So we need more STD's? More half-drunk girls accusing men of rape the next day? More children born out of wedlock? We need more abortions? Those who made this sign are making people who have not had sex FEEL GUILTY OR ASHAMED for not having done so, regardless of age. Well that's clever and sweet of you. Heaven forbid they not have some drunk sex they regret or a one night stand, after all. We wouldn't want women to only have sex with men who want to marry them or men to find a woman who wants them for a husband and not a sex conquest, a woman who will blow him out for his life savings and 50% of your salary in "child support," should a child come of it, now would we? Not to mention catching a life-threatening disease and having to tell everyone you have romantic feelings for that you are infected. How fun must that be?

And guess what folks. These problems that I mention? They're getting WORSE, not better. Not sure we have this rabid problem of TOO MANY virgins running around. I've read that the average age for girls to lose their virginity is 15-17, so let's speed that the Hell up, because that's just too damn old! And every man I know is just DYING to discover their fiance has been with half a dozen men before she met him! Oh joy! Isn't love SPECIAL? So quick, find some guy or gal and screw them BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. This is like a terrible mortgage commercial from 2005; hurry up and BUY! Ignore statistics and the fact you know you don't have the money - BUY DAMMIT! Sorry Jane, you didn't nail some stray man fast enough and now no one wants you because you're just a rookie. Yeah, right. What would you rather have guys, a rookie who you can guide and who can discover her sexual limits with you in an open and trusting way, or a pro who brags she knows "WAY MORE" than you do? A woman who can SHOW YOU a thing or two? Yuck. No thanks. Guess what ladies - guys who have slept around are not sexual tyrannosaurs; they are emotional basket cases, sluts or both.

So why would you be in a big damn hurry to join the ranks of that group? Its not something to be proud of. If you want to see your boyfriend smile, tell him you've only been with 1 or 2 men (yeah, LIE) and watch the big smile come onto his face. Or else go sleep around some more and get PLENTY of EXPERIENCE as if you were trying to study up for some big job interview that require you have physician-like knowledge of the male sexual organ. Your husband in waiting will be very impressed with you, right before it dawns on him how you know so much and he jumps into a 2 hour detox chamber then refuses to touch you without a HAZMAT suit on. The media is basically out to ruin you as it envies your yet-to-be-corrupted soul. See those signs for what they are - absolutely LUDICROUS. If it really improved your life to sleep around, you wouldn't need a billboard for it. Billboards are for shit you don't need, don't want, and typically are trying to convince you to do something that is NOT in your best interest.

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