Wednesday, December 15, 2010


This is so awesome, I don't even know where to begin. Actually its not awesome. Its sad. Sorry. But I have to laugh because the woman writing it is so damn naive. She's plainly past her prime and apparently in denial of that fact. She's also in denial that she is a woman and not a man, and that her primary attractive features are not her career or education.
I'm 32 and I live in rural New England. I moved here for a job after completing a master's degree. The job is great and the area offers lots of outdoor activities that interest me. The problem? A man shortage. And from talking with friends who live in more populous areas, this "shortage" isn't necessarily unique to my rural life -- so we're not thinking that moving is necessarily the answer. I travel enough for work to mingle outside of my local network.
Women are not men. Men don't elbow eachother and say "Look at the Ph.d on that chic!" Why has this not sunk in? Is there a blockage in your head ladies? Wear snug clothes (not like a whore), heels and show off your figure, then talk to many men. Mother Nature does the rest you bonehead. Researchers in England found one thing that every man looks for - hip to waist ratio - its a sign of fertility. Its what sells all those trashy fashion rags - YM, Cosmo, etc.. "How to hook a better mate than you otherwise might" is what they should be called. They spend pages and pages on clothes that make your pear-looking figure more like an hourglass. Why? Men's eyes don't lie to them.

Any guy growing up in this country that went to High School will tell you the truth: women went for the alpha males (imagine that), usually sports stars or maybe the charming, funny guys who were quite smart. But usually the sports gods. Why? Because they were the most physically dominant. Just as women did in the hunter-gatherer days. We're still animals, kids. Nothing has changed but our latest theories and hair-brained ideologies, all of which fail quickly when going toe-to-toe with mother nature and her bag of from-the-gut instincts she gave to each of us at birth.
"I've been in several long-term relationships, including a five-year romance in my 20s that I thought would lead to marriage but didn't. It ended over three years ago, so it is safe to say I've recovered and made it out to the other side wiser and more confident."
Notice the waste of critical time when she was in her prime? Romances don't take 5 years sweetheart. The guy wants you or he doesn't. So what was the problem? Was he a mangina? Was he not into you and you were waiting for him to come around? You never should've wasted so much time. You should've pressed him after year 2 for chrissake and then moved on. Patience is great, but love doesn't take that long. Period. Selma Hayek wants to marry me? Done deal. We're work out the details later. How long did that take?

A host of movies have come out tackling our damsel's little fantasy that men and women are exactly the same. Namely, "The Ugly Truth," "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," "Someone Like You," and "The Backup Plan." In those movies women with similar fairy tale opinions of men and women are disabused of them rather fast. All stem from a total misunderstanding of how men and women work. How men and women are designed is not that hard to understand, nor should it be. Think about how long cars have been in existence. Now go to the library and look up all the books on cars. There are millions. Are we confused about cars? No. Or how about whales? Or chimpanzees? Or clothes. Men and Women are much older than any of those things and much more interesting. We have teraflops of research on men and women and their motives and workings. Modern media groups, in an effort to sell literature or movies or books or whatever make it all out to be some kind of mystery. Its no mystery. Go to India, or the Middle East, or any of those "traditional" countries and tell them new-fangled ideas about men and women. How men are really in touch with their feelings and should help with child rearing constantly and use skin care products, or how women are really happy working all day and leaving strangers to raise their children or worse, leaving budding adolescents alone in the house surfing for internet porn or experimenting with drugs. They will stare at you in disbelief and think you just plain idiotic. But I digress.

The woman in the Boston Globe article above is truly lost, the poor dear. She's taken her leisurely time through life... as is her right. But what she never figured out is that there is no free lunch in life. Men are programmed... PROGRAMMED by mother nature to have sex with young, healthy female animals.. mammals in our case - young women, for the purpose of procreation. Its not a thought, its not an idea or a theory. ITS INSTINCT. Respect it. Girls are born 6 months more mature. At 2 years old, they are a year more mature. What is mother nature's goal? To get her quickly to a point where she can breed. Don't blame me. Its not my idea. Its not my design. But its a design we have to respect, like it or not. In the article, our dear writer figures it out... too late.
I'm old enough to realize that at this point, I may find love with someone who is already divorced, has kids, or has some other situation that at one point would have been on my "deal-breaker" list.
No honey. Not 'may' find love. Your ONLY CHANCE is to hope AND PRAY for love with whatever man still finds you attractive and desirable. That was the part of your life that just ended. Sorry if that's mean. Its true. You're past your prime. You're not as healthy as a 23-26 year old to breed with. Men will figure this out and ignore you. Except for EXACTLY THE TYPE OF MEN YOU FIND.... THE LEFTOVERS: divorced and if he's also single, then he didn't leave his wife for someone else.. SHE DITCHED HIM, meaning he's emotionally shattered, broke, and probably battling depression and all that goes with it. Welcome to the era of women choosing and discarding men if and when they see fit. She got the house, the kids and all his money; you get whatever scraps she left you... literally.

But our writer thinks she's going to "strategize" her way to a "quality" man with a good job. BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

I'm very social and have a large network of friends. I'm out and about in many clubs, from alumni activities to athletic organizations. I've spent plenty of time dating online and am open to these opportunities. I'm not shy at all! Blind date? Sure. Want to set me up? Go right ahead. Speed dating? Done it.

And yet, where are all the educated and employed men? Am I asking for too much? (I'll even make concessions for employment, given the economy.)
Seriously? What are you snorting? I love the line "Where are all the educated and employed men?" WITH OTHER WOMEN, THAT'S WHERE. With women who somehow figured out relationships aren't carefree, timeless marathons with no goal. Women who were aggressive and motivated. Women who worked at it. They went out EVERY NIGHT in their 20s or close to it. They dressed sexy and they let many men know they were marriage material.. maybe they were "traditional" or "conservative" in their views, or they laughed at his jokes and admired his charm and intelligence, or let him know how impressed they were by his drive at work, I really don't know, I'm not a girl. But I'm sure these women didn't wait 5 years through a dead-end relationship. They found a good man and let him know at some point that they were going to be taken or lost to some other guy. Get it?

I had a friend (female).. an old roomate.. she found a handsome guy at a club and they started dating. He told her before getting any more serious, he wanted to date around a bit. She said "No." Just that. "No: you're with me or you're not. That's it. And there's no coming back. You're in or else get going." Where are they now? Married with kids. Take a lesson.

Secondly, being open to new opportunities or whatever is fine, writer. But forget about that. Look down. See what's under that Master's educated brain? That's what you're selling. That's your primary offer. Shutup with that nonsense about your deep soul. That's for AFTER he's sold on your body. Respect Mother Nature or die alone. Go to the gym, forget about your big shot career for a second. GYM, GYM, GYM. Get in the shape of your life. Then show it off. After you meet a guy (and you will with a good body... trust me. Suddenly they will just appear), then keep yourself in shape. Let the guy make some decisions. Ask him what he wants to do. Don't plan everything. The rest will work out fine. If its taking too long, mention you're after marriage eventually and that you can still date. See what he says.

Failure knows no end. Her friends fail with the same style as she and she apparently wants to pool their failure into a collection of what-not-to-do:

I know I'm not alone: I have plenty of female friends (both gay and straight) who are well-educated, many of them own their own homes, and live independently and yet yearn to share their lives with someone. The seven-weddings-a-year pandemic has passed us by and we're now all invited to baby showers and wondering when it is appropriate to consider freezing our eggs (no joke).
Live independently. Good for them. But are they selfish? Do they stay in shape? Are they, you know, PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE. Listen to yourself! They own homes and are well educated. Congratulations. What has that gotten them? A big basket of nothing, that's what. Want someone? What does your someone want? Nice breasts and a sexy legs. Sorry, but this is The Ugly Truth. Get as sexy as you can (I don't like plastic surgery - that's extreme), and be honest with the man who chooses you. IS THAT SO HARD?

Yet More:

the last thing I want to do is go "munting" (man hunting). Everyone knows that husband hunting gives off a whiff of desperation. And yet the alternative is to "give it time," "be patient," and "let fate do its thing" while the biological clock keeps ticking.
DON'T BE PATIENT. Jesus Christ. YOU'VE BEEN TOO PATIENT. Remember Mr. 5-year failure? How did that work out for you? He treaded water while you lost 5 years of prime perkiness off of your figure. The kind of perkiness youth buys without the gym. Now you'll have to REALLY earn your figure. Did patience help your figure? YOUR FIGURE IS THE PRIME MOTIVATOR FOR MEN. Patience is good for 17 year old girls. Not 32 year old wanna-be spinsters. You are almost twice as old as super-hot 17 year old girl. You are aiming for spinster-hood. STOP IT.

Is this a lose-lose situation? Who's better off: the single ladies who put their name in their hat online or those who refuse to submit to the (somewhat justified) stereotype that we’re all munting and wait it out? I'm turning to you because advice from married friends is exhausting and not helpful. And the rest of us haven't figured it out.

How is someone so educated so stupid? There is the word 'wait' again. STOP WAITING FOR CHRISSAKE! You should have two new best friends in life: the gym and thong underwear. You are selling sex appeal. Period. That gets you looks, from looks come conversation and opportuntiy. Get it? Say Hi to every guy you get near. EVERY SINGLE GUY. Be Mrs. Gym-rat and Mrs. I-COULD-BE-YOUR-NEW-BEST-FRIEND. Period. Make yourself say Hi to at least 10 guys in the bar and at least 10 guys out and about during the week. No luck? Make it 20. No luck? MAKE IT 50. AND AREN'T YOU LATE FOR YOUR APPOINTMENT WITH YOUR PHYSICAL TRAINER!?!??!?!

Every man reading this is nodding.

What does the pro at the Globe tell her? Oh Boy.....

You're telling us that you're doing what you need to do to meet someone nice. I guess my advice is to keep doing that -- and to stop thinking of it as your desperate search for a husband. It's really your search for love. That's got a better ring to it, doesn't it?

And take the pressure off yourself to speed this along. Again, only fictional characters have awesome and interesting partners all of the time. I know it's exhausting and that your clock it ticking, but love isn't easy to find and maintain. Even the marrieds have to work like crazy to keep it going.

– Meredith

The worst advice ever. From a girl. Girls don't hunt girls (mostly). Why the Hell would you ask one what to do. Your girlfriends aren't going to tell you your boobs are too small in your choice of shirt and bra today. They don't have the guts. Ask a ruthless man and do exactly as he says, you dumbass. Doing what you're doing and not changing anything is moronic. They have a saying in Tennis: Always change a losing game, never change a winning one. Same here. You have a losing game and your online therapist says keep it up. I'm mounting your spinster trophy now. I suggest your don't keep your personal trainer waiting.....

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