Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Love Letters: How Dare He Take Time to Deal With His Life Exploding!

From's Love Letters:

Two women discuss what they CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE A GODDAMN CLUE ABOUT. Which wouldn't be quite so disgusting to read IF THEY ADMITTED THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE.

But they get around the fact that they are clueless: they have a celebrity couple to use as a model: Tom Brady and Gisele Budchen.

Fabulous idea ladies. I mean, a regular, every-day-Joe MUST have the same feelings, resources, and decisions as a multimillion dollar NFL superstar married to an international supermodel. That makes just so much sense.

I mean, could every-day-Joe REALLY be any different!?!??!

Dear Meredith,

I am reeling emotionally from what appears to be the end of what could have been a great relationship.

I met this great guy, Kenneth, six months ago. A mutual friend set us up. I was attracted to him instantly. None of that, "Should I go out on a second or third date to see if there's chemistry?" There was chemistry for both us. I'm in my mid-30s. He just turned 40.

We started dating and things were going very well. He was busy with his job (which involves a lot of travel) so we didn't see each other much. He told me up front that he was looking to date and to get serious but that his job took priority. I've always been attracted to men with unusual jobs. I wasn't fazed by his career at all.

About a month ago, 10 days went by without a phone call or email from Kenneth. I finally sent him an email asking if things were okay. I was really anxious when I didn't immediately hear back from him. He was always good about emailing me frequently.

Well, I heard back from him a few days later and it wasn't anything I had ever expected. He said he had just found out a week ago that a girl he had slept with a month before meeting me was pregnant with his child -- and keeping the baby. What's worse is that she waited months to tell him, so (in her words, he says) he wouldn't pressure her into terminating the pregnancy.

I was sick at this news, and then sicker when he told me he had his "hands full" and couldn't see me anymore. One expects to get dumped from time to time but not like this.

(As an aside, I know he didn't cheat on me. After our first date he was out of the country for weeks.)

While I get that Kenneth has had a huge life change, I can't help but feel like I still have a place his life and him in mine. Am I crazy to think this? It was unfair of him to shut me out. Our budding relationship was full of great chemistry, laughter, deep conversation. In other words, it felt right to me.

I need to know: Can our relationship recover? He is going to be a new father in a few months with a woman he basically barely knows. Where do I fit in? Do I fit in? If I don't fit in, how does one recover from a baby mama drama such as this? Am I kidding myself? Either way, what do I now?

– This Worked Out for Gisele, Right?, Wrentham

A: It worked out for Gisele, TWOFGR, because Tom Brady said to her (and I'm guessing here), "Gi Gi, I just found out that my ex is having my child. But I've fallen in love with you and I hope that you don't go anywhere. Despite this big life change and my hectic schedule as a professional athlete, I'd like to continue this relationship."

Your guy didn't say that to you. He didn't ask you to consider sticking around. (And I'm assuming that you volunteered, right?)

I know you don't want to hear this, but it's probably best that he walked away. Yes, he's great and there was chemistry, but do you really want to stay in a relationship with someone who'll put you third? The baby will become his new priority. Then the job. Then ... eventually ... you. Can you commit to that kind of life after just a few months of dating?

If Gisele, Tom, and Bridget were on Love Letters today, they'd probably tell you that while it all worked out for them, it hasn't always been easy. I'm sure they'd tell you that their success as a family depends on the empathy, patience, and responsibility of three busy adults who want to do right by their partners and children. Right now, you're the only one in your triangle who wants this to work for everyone.

Kenneth didn't come to you with his news to have a respectful discussion. He waited 10 days while you stewed and then made all of the decisions himself. Gisele wouldn't put up with that. You can start getting over this drama by allowing yourself to be ticked off.

Readers? Should she tell him that she wants to try this? Should that request come from him? Is this worth pursuing? What's happening here?

I'll chime in. Its what I do.

Um, this man just had his life explode in his face. He may have contacted a lawyer or done a Google search and learned 40% of his earnings JUST VANISHED as it is all going to go to his ex thanks to psycho-sponsored child support laws. A woman he doesn't want to be with BECAUSE SHE IS HIS EX. He wasn't planning to be a dad (and just STFU with any comments about how a man should plan on being a dad whenever he has sex. Does a woman? Please. Sex these days is far from any kind of promise). But now he is a dad. He is a dad against his will. Even worse, his ex KNEW he didn't want to be a dad and so she INTENTIONALLY HID his OWN CHILD from him because she didn't want to be "pressured" into not having the child. Wow, that's nice and selfish of her! She's bringing a child into the world against his father's wishes, but she tells the father: "I'm having your baby, tough shit if you're not ready." THANKS LADY! How would you like it if someone gave you a baby YOU DID NOT WANT and said "Haha. Fuck you!" How would you like it if you could do NOTHING ABOUT IT! I bet you'd have some kind of WTF-mid-life crisis, eh! But the fact that this guy pulled the emergency stop cord and told his new girlfriend basically "I can't meet your needs or give you anything, my life just blew the fuck up in my face and all my life plans are now dead," proved to be too much too swallow?

And the Love Doctor's advice:

"Kenneth didn't come to you with his news to have a respectful discussion."

Kenneth is wondering how the fuck the world just ended and he wound up in Hell. And you want to call down to him in Hell and ask him why he's being impolite? The new girlfriend is reeling? WELL LET'S ALL CRY ON HER BEHALF! New girlfriend's life didn't just end, KENNETH'S DID.

FUCK YOU new girlfriend. What did you expect? That Superman here would just tell you not to worry and that he'll TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING? Well this guy ain't superman. He just had his guts ripped out. Ever consider he wants to care for his new baby, but is conflicted by the fact that he HATES the baby's mother right now? And that those feelings of resentment may be projected onto his child? Or that he hates himself for even making this situation possible? And in the midst of all that he's supposed to ask YOU how YOU feel? Sorry sweetie, THERE ISN'T ANY ROOM FOR YOU IN THIS EQUATION. He may be having an identity crisis combined with 50 other feelings he's never even witnessed on t.v.. The guy's head is daily wrapped in C-4 explosive and you want him to just OPEN UP to you and talk about everything? YOU BARELY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER!

Yeah, it sucks to get rejected. But he didn't reject you for life. Just for right now. And another thing: he's not a woman - he'll need 6 months or more to deal with what's happening. And that means he has ZERO to offer you. Breaking up with you was a FAVOR. He couldn't do anything for you so he hit "EJECT." What did you expect him to do? Deal with it all in 2 days and then propose to you? Jesus, he's probably even considering getting back together with his baby's mom BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT HIS CHILD TO GROW UP IN A BROKEN FAMILY. He has to act ON BEHALF OF A CHILD NOW. He has responsibilities GREATER THAN HIMSELF.


But 10 points to Meredith and moronic girlfriend for their sensitivity and TOTAL LACK of effort to see his side of things. Really nice touch using the gutter phrase "Baby momma drama." I'm sure Kenneth really wants to be associated with that kind of trash. Thanks to the TOTAL lack of responsibility these days, an otherwise conservative and family-oriented man can have sex but ONCE - and be forced into fatherhood and lose half his income. You see that shit happening to WOMEN? Nope. But let's act sympathetic when they become IMPATIENT when it happens to a man.

What total fucking imbeciles.

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