This is bullshit. Plain and simple.
My ex leverages this kind of crap constantly. As do the courts. It boils down to this: the man has to kiss his ex-wife or ex-gf's ass because "its all about the kids."
You may have noticed from that statement, ONE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OTHER. But we live in a country where chaotic, psycho women make the rules.
I'm dead serious.
Besides the random and bizarre crazy, psycho ex-boyfriends who you see on the nightly news that have come off their meds and murder their ex-girlfriends, just about every other guy out there wants to just move on with his life and forget about his ex. Would YOU want to dwell on an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend for 10 or 20 YEARS? NO FUCKING WAY!
Men are not nearly as sensitive as women and I've found by and large, whether they blame their ex or not, MEN just want to move on; many normal, HEALTHY women do too, but if she's so healthy she probably wouldn't have divorced her husband in the first place. It doesn't mean men aren't wounded or untouched. It simply means they not nearly as hung up on old issues or events. They're still pissed about them sure; but they let it go. Men distract themselves with other things and they deal with pain more slowly, over time. Or at least it would seem that way to me. I've never had a friend pound on my door in the middle of the night and demand we scheme over how to "get back" at his ex-girlfiend. Never. Not once.
As for the women!?!?! HOLY SHIT. No such luck. Open your eyes and look around. You will not believe the MYRIAD of women who are BOUND AND DETERMINED not to let their ex move on. They're bitter, obsessed, twisted, and badly in need of therapy. In fact, you'll hear many stories FROM THE MAN'S 2ND WIFE. Go to sites like www.secondwivesclub.com. And WOMEN will tell you HORROR stories about wifey #1 or some crazy ex.
And the women telling the stories are just as horrified and shocked as I am.
These stories always boil down to the same thing. The crazy ex DOES NOT, CAN NOT allow their children's father to move on with his life. These crazy ex's simply act LIKE CHILDREN OR WORSE. They make up excuses for contacting the man, invent reasons to bother him, blame him, falsely accuse him of every thing you could imagine, and generally just interfere with his life. Of course, since the man wants nothing to do with his ex, he avoids most of this if at all possible. This drives his ex-gf or whomever, EVEN MORE INSANE. So she uses the one thing left to her to drive her ex-bf or husband crazy, the one thing she knows he must pay attention to: their innocent children.
And then assholes like the author below write this drivel demanding that the man either 1) not retaliate or 2) put up with all the crap from his ex, absorb it all (called "enabling" in psychology terms), and suffer as much as she wants him to, DO whatever SHE wants him to, so that the children won't be denied from seeing their father. The ENTIRE FAMILY COURT SYSTEM insists on the same thing. They're out of their fucking minds. The author below goes further and suggests the conflict HE KNOWS IS BEING CAUSED BY THE EX-WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND is "ok," as if its expected and normal.
No sir. The kind of shit I and other men deal with is not normal or ok and it sure as shit isn't ok for junior to think his mom's emotional problems are something "everyone must deal with" because mom is more important than even her innocent children. If the kids ACTUALLY WERE the ones important here, a woman using her own children just to interfere with her ex-husband on a regular basis would be STRIPPED OF CUSTODY and the children placed with THE MORE STABLE PARENT.
Basically they advise you to place your head on the chopping block and hand your VILE EX-GIRLFRIEND an axe.
Again: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? WOULD YOU DO THAT IF IT WERE YOUR NECK?
Then FUCK OFF.
The men are NOT THE ONES USING INNOCENT CHILDREN TO GET AT A GROWN ADULT. That would be the psycho mother. Further the very courts that gave this psycho custody are the people that are supposed to recognize her verifiable OFF THE CHARTS behavior and transfer custody to the more reasonable, calm, and less-unstable parent.
And make no mistake, THEY DO. NOT. DO THAT. Why? Cuz the National Organization of Women and Jane Doe and other Man hating psychos keep the money flowing to the politicians and the politicians control the court's purse strings. The legislatures say "Don't do what we tell you to? Then we'll cut your budget and your pay, then we'll make sure you get reprimanded, demoted, or fired."
IT HAPPENS EVERY DAY. OPEN YOUR EYES.
Following a divorce, it is not uncommon for a new step-parent to become the target of unprovoked spite or anger. In many cases, the previous-spouse harbors unfounded fears that their child will look to a new step-parent as a mother or father replacement figure. This can engender resentment to what may already be an uncomfortable situation between parties. Regretfully, these issues often escalate very quickly. Such resentments place the children squarely in the middle of a bitter fight between the people they love the most and are not healthy for anyone involved. The pain of conflicting loyalties to each parent and a child’s feeling of being “caught in the middle” of such disputes exacts an enormous emotional toll on a child. When a parent is in a rage, it is not uncommon for a child to withdraw. The child’s behavior towards the non-primary parent may abruptly change. This change in behavior may have more to do with keeping the primary parent happy than it does with how they really feel about the non-primary parent or step-parent. It is essential that you make it clear to your child that you love them and will always be there for them, regardless of the emotional or less than rosy current circumstances.
It is crucial to a child’s self-esteem and emotional growth that parents avoid putting children in the middle of such disputes. This can be incredibly difficult, however, when a selfish or manipulative parent does not think twice about wrongfully placing his or her child in the middle of conflict. Children are very perceptive and as they grow older they will ultimately realize when a parent has lied to them and used them for their own emotional or financial gain. Though they may temporarily identify with the aggressors, in time they will deeply resent the parent who has manipulated them.
Regardless of the circumstances, it is critical that biological parents avoid arguments or conflicts in the presence of the children. Such conduct is conducive to parental alienation goals of the misguided previous spouse. If the child sees that you maintain a calm and collected demeanor, it gives them reason to pause and feel safe.
If a previous spouse is making statements to the child regarding issues that should only be discussed between adults, tell the child that such discussions are inappropriate and you will take them up with the other parent at another time.
It is ok to tell your child “I am sorry,” if they are upset, even if you are not the parent upsetting them. This validates that they are hurting and relieves any false guilt they may have over things that are being said and done when you are not present. It is sometimes helpful to use everyday situations to explain conflict to your child. As an example, when dealing with conflict explain that “brothers and sisters fight, but they still love each other. Families have to work through conflict in order to stay together. I would not leave you if you made a mistake, I would not want you to leave me.” Such statements reinforces that reasonable conflict is ok and assures the child that you will remain a constant force in their life regardless of the situation.
If you feel that the conflict has escalated to a point of becoming emotionally abusive and/or destructive to the child, consult a Family Law / divorce attorney. It may be in the best interest of the child that he or she be removed from the primary parent and placed with the non-primary parent so that he or she is allowed to love all parental figures, parents and step-parents alike, unconditionally.