Thursday, July 12, 2012

Can't Fix What is Totally Destroyed.

Love Letters: Always entertaining. I don't know quite what to do with this one. 

The guy sounds rather sincere for the most part, but the problem is he made a very big mistake just when he was trying to prove his worth. That aside, the thing to note here is that many men are in this man's shoes - good men who want to please and impress women with their accomplishments, but find themselves behind due to the economy and their lack of skills/education. Women who work for years on their education find years later their education pays off in the form of higher paying jobs (ironic when you consider many women are in graduate school half for the education and half for cruising available men - the same goes for college). There are men out there who are likewise educated and skilled with high-paying jobs, but there are fewer and fewer of them every year. I have a few female friends left and they whine uncontrollably about the lack of "good men." They mean handsome, smart, and holding a decent job.

On top of the men not picked up in college and graduate school, a flood of men are available, sadly, due to their last relationship breaking down. Its just something that's going to happen, not every relationship lasts forever.

But again, its not that simple.

First off, many of the men have had TOO many broken relationships and it is damaging them, emotionally. Why? Feminazis will tell you its because men are sex-maniacs that like to bounce around. Um, maybe at 16, yeah. But the men I'm talking about are 23-35. They've matured and have started, at the very least, to find the idea of yet another relationship daunting. Furthermore, if the men are bouncing around, then the women are bouncing around too as men can't bounce around with themselves or eachother!

Secondly, unlike in times past, many men find themselves to be accidental fathers. They didn't plan to have children, were not prepared for them, but slept with a woman who was and who most likely lied to, manipulated, or fooled the man into sticking around long enough to nail for child support. Unless you really believe women simply MUST have every child they conceive; you see once she gets pregnant, a woman has a choice; so if she has the child, you know she planned to have it and wanted it. Men have no such option.

So from the pack, you have men not scooped up in college or grad school, and the leftovers from bad relationships, who are either damaged, or broke from lack of a job and/or unwanted children that slammed them with massive child support payments, or all of the above.  Those men are in effect, GONE from the dating scene. They sit in 1 bedroom basement apartments, unable to provide for another family, battling depression. They are a silent, sizeable chunk of otherwise capable and deserving husbands and fathers for women. Removing them - as well as the men who hear of their horror stories - simply causes fewer men in the dating pool and makes the available men more selective and the available women more desperate.

Happy Hunting Ladies.

Regarding the story below, I love the columnists advice: You are evil, Mr. Man for not letting her accept you as a non-working, unable to provide, ego-less, soulless, no-role, little pussy boy that she can discard at any moment with no material affect to her lifestyle whatsoever. Because men are "supposed to" engage in relationships in which they have nothing to offer outside of romance and love - two things any married adult will tell you are NOT PRESENT AT ALL TIMES in their marriage and have even been absent for MONTHS OR YEARS because THAT IS THE NATURE OF MARRIAGE. Chris Rock, the comedian and actor, who is infinitely intrigued by the subjects of love and marriage, has famously (and truthfully) pointed out that a couple will probably fall in and out of love several times over the course of a marriage - again, AS THAT IS THE NATURE OF MARRIAGE. Ever here a married couple tell you their marriage is "more of an agreement or partnership?"

Its a vow to remain together in and out of love; and remaining together IS EASIER AND MORE DESIREABLE WHEN THE OTHER PERSON PROVIDES SOMETHING YOU DON'T HAVE. Men used to provide money. Women? Women can make children; they have sex appeal; hair, curves, skin. Men cannot simply provide sex appeal only, as women can. Men must have more to offer and I stated earlier, the fact is, love comes and goes.

I love how he's chastized for his "insecurities." When a man's insecurities sabotage a relationship, ITS ALL HIS FAULT, THAT BLOODLESS JERK! Why didn't he realize what was happening and take responsibility!

When a woman's insecurities sabotage a relationship? It was the man's fault for not reassuring her 50 times a day that she's a pretty woman that he'll never leave. Oh and start forking over 40% of your salary, you insensitive asshole; she needs it "for the kids."

Also notice that the woman writing in wants to repair the relationship while the "love doctor" tells her to ditch him and move on. 



How can we fix this?

Posted by Meredith Goldstein July 10, 2012 09:00 AM
It's time for another self-help book review project. If you want to participate, the info is here.
Also, as I mentioned yesterday, Love Letters is now on Pinterest. I'm just posting things that I think we'd like. Pinterest makes me a little dizzy, but I'm doing my best.

Q: Two years ago I met the woman of my dreams. She was beautiful, smart, and funny. We took things slow for a very long time because both of us had just come out of tough long-term relationships. I had been going through a really rough time professionally. I had been laid off twice in two years and was extremely frustrated. During this time, we saw each other a few times a week but never got very physical. After eight months of casual dating, she approached me about getting more serious and making our relationship official.

While I had strong feelings for her, I felt terribly inadequate. She was finishing up her master’s degree and was taking steps toward the life that she had been working so hard for. I was just this guy who couldn't hold a job and was barely making ends meet. My self-confidence was at an all-time low and the prospect of meeting her friends and family made me very self-conscious.

I told her that I needed a little while to get my act together. In reality, I just wanted to get to a point where I felt comfortable being around her family and close friends. After a month or so, we reconnected and rekindled our relationship and shortly thereafter I was able to find a job.
Of course, when I acquired this new job I had already accumulated quite a bit of debt and picked up a second full-time job working at a bar to cover expenses. Shortly after I was hired, I was arrested for DUI and my problems worsened.

We had a very big argument where she made some hurtful comments regarding the DUI (which she regretted). Over the next few months, as I dealt with the aftermath of the DUI, I withdrew from her as our relationship grew more tenuous and stressful. I didn’t feel like she was supporting me in my "mistake" and was chastising me for my terrible error in judgment. After months of fighting and threats of just breaking up, I ended things.

I immediately sought therapy and realized I had broken up with her because I never accepted her apology. I told her that I wanted to try our relationship again. After a few weeks she decided to let me back into her life. We tried to get back to that place where we were both head over heels with each other, but her fear of getting hurt kept getting in the way.

Recently she decided that if we were going to have a future she needed a few weeks to come to terms with the hurt that I had caused her in breaking up and the hurt that she had caused me by saying the things that she did. I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. She's the love of my life but I'm starting to wonder if I deserve her after breaking her heart so many times or if she deserves me after making cruel comments to me during a very vulnerable time in my life. It's been a few weeks and I'm having a hard time dealing with her loss from my life. Please help.
– heartbroken and hopeless in boston

A: If your girlfriend wrote me a letter, I'd tell her to walk away from you, H&H. I'd remind her that you pushed her away when you felt threatened -- long before the DUI -- and that you're just not comfortable enough with yourself to have a significant other. I'll tell you the same thing to you even though you're the one writing the letter. She should walk -- not because you don't deserve her, but because you've never really been capable of treating her like a real life partner.
Even before you behaved recklessly, you were an inconsistent and insecure. She wanted a relationship with you despite all of your flaws, but you backed away because of how you felt about yourself. You spent eight months warming up to her and you still weren't ready.
I believe that you love her. You just have some work to do on yourself before you can truly commit to someone else. You need to continue with the therapy. You need to be around real friends, the kind of people who can support you as you sort yourself out. You need to ask yourself some big questions about your second job.
I understand that you're sad about losing her, but the relationship wasn't working. And again, I truly believe that the root of the problem existed long before that DUI.
Readers? Can they work this out? Do they "deserve" each other? Can you make a judgment about her reaction to the DUI without knowing what she said? How can a couple get through something like this? What about his insecurities? Help.

– Meredith

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